Today on MoneyLife with Chuck Bentley
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Dealing with Differences over Money in Marriage
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We're going to talk today about how to get on the same page with your spouse about money. It doesn’t just happen because you’re in love. After couples get married, they often discover things about their spouse they didn’t know. It's not unusual for opposites to attract; God uses them to strengthen each other. Our late Co-Founder, Larry Burkett, said if two people are alike, one is not necessary. I am married to an opposite. Ann is really different from me, but I thank God for her. Ruth Graham said she and Billy were happily incompatible. Sharon says her husband is opposite from her. She is very ordered, while her husband, Joel, is a a professional musician, works in children’s ministry, and is very creative. There's a big difference between being engaged and being married. We focus on similarities in engagement, but we focus on differences in marriage, when we have to make decisions. Sharon says even the brand of ketchup they use became an issue in her marriage. I like to use a tennis analogy. Singles is different than doubles. God wants us to be one, to be on the same page. God designed us to be more effective that way. Your unity with one another not only impacts your marriage but your children. There was a couple in major debt six months into their marriage. The husband had deceived his wife that he had money. In fact, he'd been charging everything they had. It was a tough place to be, but through prayer and counsel, they rebuilt trust and got on the same page. Crown's MoneyLife™ Basics book, Marriage and Children, has exercises to help couples achieve financial unity. First, you must get acquainted with your attitudes. One attitude battle is between selfishness and cooperation. Selfishness is a big problem in marriages. Two people can’t both get their way; they have to cooperate. Cooperation begins when you surrender your rights. Cooperation should reflect the interests of both parties. You have to talk things through, look for common ground, and be creative. Avoid judging your spouse. Another attitude battle in marriage is between pride and humility. A man needs respect, so if he has a pride problem, it must be approached with humility. Disrespecting him will only make it worse. Be the first to show humility. Seek to serve your spouse. Ask and listen. Look for ways to show respect and honor your spouse despite your circumstances. A great example is of someone who did that is Kandy Hildebrandt. She walked through a deception with humility. Also, look for practical ways to serve an unemployed spouse, as Jenn Darnold was able to do. Being generous can also be divisive in a marriage. One spouse is usually more generous, while one is more of a saver. The saver can be perceived as greedy, but often the saver’s motivation is fear and a desire to be financially conservative. You can talk through that and encourage the fearful spouse to put more faith in God to provide for your needs. You can reach an agreement on generosity. If you take Crown’s marriage assessment, let us know. Email me at ChuckBentley@Crown.org. I'd like to share your story to encourage other listeners. Another marital attitude battle is between being deliberate and spontaneous. Both have their place; both can be blessings. This is something you can negotiate an agreement on. Plan big things, but leave margin for spontaneity. Love your spouse for the gifts they have instead of making them feel unloved by always focusing on your differences. Appreciate your spouse’s gifts for what they are. Spontaneous people can bring joy and memories to your family. Planners can help your family get things done. Let the person who is more gifted in finances handle them. Usually an organized person is better at paying bills. Other person should contribute in another way, maybe making money. Divide your strategy into offense and defense and be partners. Conflict is going to happen in marriage. What’s important is how you resolve it. There are different ways to do it, but don’t wait until you’re in the middle of it. Take time to talk about the way you saw conflict resolved by your parents. Talk about what they did right and wrong. And and I set ground rules about handling conflict. One rule was about not saying hurtful things; another was to deal with conflict sooner rather than later. Use a gentle word or no words at all in conflict. Crown wants to help marriages be successful. If you're struggling over money with your spouse, contact us. Call us at 800-722-1976, or email ChuckBentley@Crown.org. |
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Husband-Wife Communication about FinancesCommunication and planning are the keys to success. |
God's Minimum Financial Standards for CouplesGod’s Word provides standards for managing money that are essential for marital unity. |
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Financial AuthorityFinancial authority in the home is one of the most misunderstood principles facing today’s Christian family. |
When Spouses Disagree on Financial MattersWhat should a married person who is a Christian do when his or her spouse doesn’t want to tithe or budget? |
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Other Resources: |
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If we embrace our differences, we can learn from each other.
Getting on the same page financially is for those married and those considering marriage. We
also want to help you give wise counsel to your children. Sharon has four children, ages 28-12.
